Faith, part 2

When I read my Bible, I really just want to find validation. Not truth. I don't really want to be wrong. Or misguided. Some part of me still thinks my own view of life is okay--at least, it will do..as long as I can have my way. Because, if I'm wrong, if my way crumbles--or isn't at all what I thought it would be--then, my only response can be to trust something I can't see, throw my way to the wind, and live without restraint. My way is just so comfortably (and deceptively) secure.



Psalm 9
Mark 9:14-29
Proverbs 14:26-27
Romans 5:1-11

A Change

So, it's been quite some time since my last blog. Life hasn't been any busier than usual; there's no "usual" excuse. Really, it comes down to this: I'm not enjoying my long-desired 1928 version of The Book of Common Prayer. It's confusing (sometimes it appears as if I'm just supposed to read one verse, and many times that one verse, out of context, doesn't make any sense), it's demanding (morning and evening readings), and it doesn't seem to be following any coherent path. And here's the thing, this preparation for Lent has been tough for me. I feel as if I'm running smack dab into a wall that has been far off in the distance for some time now. Meaning, I know God has been asking me to slow down and relinquish control for some time now. And that call has hit my readings too--focus on one thing, sit in something for awhile, read through a concept instead of just reading through.

The Book of Common Prayer is great--don't get me wrong. I would recommend it to anyone that needs direction, ideas, a pattern to follow. But for now, I think I'm going to put it aside. [Add "edit blog" to list of things to do today.] Before I made the decision to blog about my readings, I considered putting together my own daily readings--making sure they tied together in some way and dived into sections of the Bible the BCP seems to shy away from. Characteristically, this may be biting off more than I can chew. But I do want to begin the process.

And so, once again, this blog is shifting focus...still "tuning this life" (because it is so very out of tune sometimes), but changing the process. More to come later...

Turning and Returning

Psalm 66, 67/145 [morning/evening]
Wisdom 7:3-14*
Colossians 3:12-17
John 6:41-47

Tomorrow, I return to work. And really--typing those words just now marks the first time I've verbalized them all day. I've pushed the thoughts aside, focused on the moments, forged ahead as if tomorrow was just another day of vacation. Truly, though, I love my job. I do love teaching; but there are greater loves in my life now...and one that changes at such a pace I find myself doing double-takes.

I say this with all graciousness, but unless you're a mother who's left a child behind at daycare or preschool, witnessed their sad faces, and felt that dull ache coupled with hot tears as you drive away, you can't know the dread some workdays bring. Despite necessity. Despite knowing your children are well cared for. Despite even calling.

Becoming a mother loaded me down with a desire to control; I know God is chipping away at my stoney grasp on life as I know it, which is not life as good as it could be. I worry and fret and wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm doing all I can, if Luke's life is good. But always, I return to a question a friend asked me nearly a decade ago: "Do you really believe God is good?" Psalm 145 tells me He is. Not just because of "awesome works" or "great deeds," but because I need to know that the One whom I've asked to know is "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love," "trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does," and (for tomorrow) "near to all who call on him."

During a walk in the woods, Cory and I found a single purple mushroom, and I returned hours later to photograph it, searched through leaves to find it, and sat and thought about it. Really? A bright purple mushroom? It was a perfect specimen of detail and exactness to me. I need that God--who knows the details of my heart: "My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart..." **

*As far as I can determine, Wisdom is a book included in some Anglican Bibles, but not included in most other Bibles--including mine....so I didn't read it.

**"Before the Throne of God," Charitie L. Bancroft, 1863.