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Charanda's

Last week seemed to be filled with moments of humility:

I fell in the cafeteria. I'm a high school teacher--so...I fell in front of a bunch of high schoolers. It involved taco salad, me on the floor, and the potentiality of You Tube videos.

On Thursday, my husband took over all bedtime duties and sent me to pick up take-out at our favorite Mexican restaurant. I looked forward to these nights--a few minutes away, to recollect, to be around people without being around people. One of the servers began talking to me. For good or for bad, he recognized me because of my very exuberant son. I knew he had a daughter close in age to my two year old, and we began to talk. His wife just had another baby, she's staying at home with the children now....and immediately I became jealous.

I could empathize with the decision for sure, but here they had chosen what, on some days, I would jump at the opportunity to do. Be a mom all day long. But his rationale for the decision echoed familiarly in my ears as well--"in the end, she would only make an extra $40 or $50 a month after we paid babysitters." It's a hard choice. Many of us face it.

And so, I paid my $40 tab...and left.

The fall was worse this time. How had I missed it? Our dilemmas were similar, but I just dropped the difference in her salary on dinner. Our choices come from the same heart, but our realities are different. So grateful for an excision of pride here.

Faith, part 2

When I read my Bible, I really just want to find validation. Not truth. I don't really want to be wrong. Or misguided. Some part of me still thinks my own view of life is okay--at least, it will do..as long as I can have my way. Because, if I'm wrong, if my way crumbles--or isn't at all what I thought it would be--then, my only response can be to trust something I can't see, throw my way to the wind, and live without restraint. My way is just so comfortably (and deceptively) secure.



Psalm 9
Mark 9:14-29
Proverbs 14:26-27
Romans 5:1-11

Mediocre

God knew what He was getting Himself into with me. And he loved me before I was aware of how off the mark I was...am...will be. Because He was...is...and will be.

Psalm 9
Proverbs 14:26-27
Mark 9:14-29
Romans 5:1-11

Save and Deliver

As I write this, I pause occasionally for quick hugs from my son. He's watching a favorite TV show, drinking some milk, but mainly standing behind me with his hand down the back of my shirt (it's his "security blanket"...he does it to anyone he loves...). Such a peaceful, slow morning. I'm enjoying this moment. And moments have been much more important to me lately.... There's that moment before I make a decision when I can stop and consider my decision. There are fleeting seconds of intense beauty that take my breath away--mujsically, artistically, or naturally. Moments of beautiful love from my family--when I question the ability of my heart to contain it all. And I wonder if this is one of the things that differentiate children from adults. Luke has no idea what's coming his way today--good or bad. He's satisfied right now and not attempting to plan each minute of his day. Just enjoying this one.

I've never before picked up on the moment in Matthew's account of Jesus clearing the temple where the children began to sing for Him. And Jesus acknowledges their praise. Though His response is simple, there's something profound about the interaction--He's not surprised. Caught up in the moment--the exciting, dramatic, miracle-marked moment--the children did what they were created to do. Without hesitation.

Psalm 7
Proverbs 3:1-12
Matthew 21:12-22
Romans 4

Faith

Lately, I've worried too much about transmissions and hives. I scrambled from one partially completed project to another. I entered conversations dazed and left them trying to remember what was said. And I forgot what I read this morning: God keeps my way secure. How do I trust his security and stop trying to create my own?


Psalm 5
2 Samuel 22:21-51
Matthew 9:18-26
Romans 1:8-17

And so...I have abandoned The Book of Common Prayer for now. Instead, I'm trying to read through topics. This is my rewrite of the pattern...

A Change

So, it's been quite some time since my last blog. Life hasn't been any busier than usual; there's no "usual" excuse. Really, it comes down to this: I'm not enjoying my long-desired 1928 version of The Book of Common Prayer. It's confusing (sometimes it appears as if I'm just supposed to read one verse, and many times that one verse, out of context, doesn't make any sense), it's demanding (morning and evening readings), and it doesn't seem to be following any coherent path. And here's the thing, this preparation for Lent has been tough for me. I feel as if I'm running smack dab into a wall that has been far off in the distance for some time now. Meaning, I know God has been asking me to slow down and relinquish control for some time now. And that call has hit my readings too--focus on one thing, sit in something for awhile, read through a concept instead of just reading through.

The Book of Common Prayer is great--don't get me wrong. I would recommend it to anyone that needs direction, ideas, a pattern to follow. But for now, I think I'm going to put it aside. [Add "edit blog" to list of things to do today.] Before I made the decision to blog about my readings, I considered putting together my own daily readings--making sure they tied together in some way and dived into sections of the Bible the BCP seems to shy away from. Characteristically, this may be biting off more than I can chew. But I do want to begin the process.

And so, once again, this blog is shifting focus...still "tuning this life" (because it is so very out of tune sometimes), but changing the process. More to come later...